The Reality Of Survivor’s Guilt

 

This past month, there have been several troubling stories about Survivor’s Guilt and the suicides of those closely impacted by the Sandy Hook and Parkland shootings. Tragically, those who lived through those traumatic incidents wound up taking their own lives during pivotal anniversary dates and remembrances. The truth of the matter is, this is a very real issue and one that deserves to be addressed.

 

Three key figures in those prior tragedies took their lives in March 2019. Jeremy Richman was the father of a Sandy Hook student who was murdered in the 2012 massacre. His suicide was discovered this past Monday. Just a few days prior, Sydney Aiello and an unnamed Parkland student also killed themselves after having survived that 2018 attack.

 

With more incidents like these occurring, it is likely that suicidal tendencies will begin to emerge within the circles around the victims. It is said that these feelings may be even stronger among teenagers, as their coping skills haven’t fully matured.

 

Phyllis Alongi, a former clinical director at the Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide, was interviewed for NBC News, addressing the survivor’s guilt phenomenon and how it can impact young people.

 

“The degree to which survivor’s guilt impacts someone’s life may depend on the level of trauma they were exposed to, as well as any pre-existing vulnerabilities to depression and anxiety they had before the event,” she explained. “The issue with a lot of these teens is their problem solving, perception, and coping skills are still immature and underdeveloped, so they’re already at a disadvantage.”

 

And it is apparent that the survivor’s pain can manifest itself in multiple ways. Addiction is a common occurrence for those who have gone through traumatic incidents. People often turn to drugs and alcohol to “numb pain,” though, in reality, these habits only add fuel to the fire.

 

As more of these stories have gone public, other high-profile survivors have spoken out and offered public support. 37-year-old Zach Cartaya, for example, went through the horrific Columbine shootings in 1999. Since then, he has become an outspoken advocate for survivors’ mental health.

 

Cartaya was quoted for the NBC article as well, explaining how his grief turned to anger and later addiction. Now, he works to connect those in similar situation to outreach centers and suicide prevention resources.

 

“It’s so easy to feel isolated after something like this,” Cartaya told the site. “You don’t have to be alone.”

 

If this sounds like a familiar scenario to you, please reach out and let one of our trained professionals help.

 

A Checklist For Silencing Shame

Shame and guilt are common feelings that we all experience. But there comes a point when, for many, they can become debilitating and lead into issues like addiction, violence, depression or self-harm. There are ways to overcome them, however, with professional support and some day-to-day exercises to remove the negativity.

Psychology Today writer Dr. David Sack emphasized three points, in particular, to help those dealing with consistent shameful emotions…

Point #1: Don’t Hide Your Feelings

The sad truth is, many people suffer in silence when it comes to shame. As Dr. Sack’s article illustrates, there is a constant feeling of unworthiness and a fear that discussing these emotions will expose the “bad person” you are. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, talking openly about can be a major release, as Dr. Brene Brown explained in the article. “The less we talk about shame, the more power it has over our lives,” she explained. “If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees.”

Point #2: Separate Actions From Emotions

Dr. Sack goes on to explain how these shameful feelings are often tied to actions in our lives. If someone makes a mistake, it can lead to an overwhelming feeling of guilt and self-criticism. For people suffering, the common go-to thought is “I’m an idiot” or “this is the last time I’ll try something like that.” It is important to separate your sense of self-worth from any action you take. And that goes for victories too. Treat both praise and condemnation with a sense of perspective and you won’t have to deal with a rollercoaster of emotions.

Point #3: Recognize Your Triggers

We all have certain sensitivities and if something we feel vulnerable about is triggered, it can quickly spiral into guilt and shame. Sometimes it could be about the way you parent, other times it may have to do with your career earnings. If there’s a particularly touchy subject in your life, it is important that you work on it. And it is also important that you recognize it and (if possible) avoid situations where it may come into question. As Dr. Sack writes, “Rather than give in to these triggers, seek to ban them from your life. Embrace who you are rather than struggling to fulfill an outside notion of who you should be.“

Above all, know that there is always support out there for these types of emotions. If it is something consistent that you are struggling with, please reach out and get help.