Steering Away From Codependency

 

Falling into the rhythm of a codependent relationship is much more common than you think. And one of the biggest challenges that lies therein, is first identifying that there is a problem and second, finding a way out.

 

The website Psych Central did a nice job of bringing some of these issues to the forefront. Article writer Michelle Kunz bravely opened up about her own history of unhealthy relationships. Through her experiences, readers are able to get a real firsthand grasp of the dangers of codependence and why it needs to be addressed.

 

“A codependent will typically go above and beyond what most people will do to help a relationship succeed,” Kunz writes. “Giving far more effort, time, energy, attention, and other resources than their partner does. They often end up feeling angry, resentful, exhausted, lonely, and bitter. And every now and then they will do really desperate things to try to control the outcome.”

 

The truth of the matter is, codependency is damaging on both sides. For the person who’s desperate to stay, there can be control issues, rage and physical violence enacted toward the other partner. For the one who wants to leave, guilt, shame and depression play a significant role, leading to entrapment and unhealthy feelings.

 

As Kunz explained, she had a very hard time letting go of a former boyfriend. Red flags that she signaled out were begging tactics, inconsolable crying, unsafe sex (in the hopes of getting pregnant) and suicidal threats. While she admitted that these ploys did keep her partner around longer than expected, the relationship ended on a very sour note.

 

She also rightfully pointed out that the root of codependent traits often lie in a person’s childhood. Issues of abandonment, for example, can play a huge role in not wanting a partner to leave. Being shamed at a young age also feeds into it. Many people who have low self-worth fear losing their mate will leave them perpetually alone.

 

Ultimately, it is those early experiences that Kunz advises people to look back upon. Through counseling and inner exploration, relationship healing can start to take shape.

 

“Find the child within and pay attention,” she concludes. “Give him or her what he or she wanted so badly when he or she was actually little. Take off the mask and cape you’ve been wearing trying to save a relationship and tend to your inner child. Isn’t it time that someone finally loves him or her?”

 

The Signs Of ‘Codependency Anorexia’

Professionals and bloggers on relationships sites have recently coined a new term when it comes to unhealthy romances: Codependency Anorexia. Now this has nothing to do with an eating disorder per se, but it does relate to those who “starve themselves of love” and give in to a narcissistic partner.

As presented in the popular new book The Codependent Narcissist Trap by Ross Rosenberg, this type of emotional anorexia can severely impact a person’s ability to maintain healthy relationships…even if they decide to leave a codependent partner.

“Codependency anorexia occurs when a codependent surrenders to their lifelong relationship pattern with destructive pathological narcissists,” Rosenberg writes. “The codependent often transitions to this when they hit bottom and can no longer bear the pain meted out by their narcissist. Paradoxically, as it occurs during a moment of clarity, the codependent comes to realize they are powerless over their attraction to lovers who feel right in the beginning, but shortly thereafter hurt them. To protect themselves from the long line of soulmates who unexpectedly become cellmates, the codependent flips their vulnerability switch to off. This results in a complete shutdown of all emotional, relational, and sexual machinery.”

The passage goes on to describe how this type of behavior can create serious damage, both emotionally and sexually. Starving yourself of intimacy (and a primal human condition) can easily escalate into other issues, such as depression and addiction. It can also create isolation, as the sufferer may become so afraid of being hurt again that they withdraw from family and friends.

There is also serious concern if a person dealing with codependency anorexia is a parent. Limiting yourself from affection and trust can be extremely damaging to a child. Another side effect, per Rosenberg, concerns a mom or dad who begins looking to their children for emotional compensation. In this scenario, young offspring are exposed to adult issues and “enmeshment,” which has shown to be harmful for psychological development.

The site Psych Central did a nice job outlining next steps if you or someone you care about is experiencing this. They equate codependency anorexia to having similarities to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (aka PTSD) and believe it should be treated as such. They also recommend forcing yourself to participate in more group activities, staying away from online dating sites and reaching out therapists and treatment centers for support.

The 10 Signs Of Codependence

What defines a “healthy relationship” and how are we supposed to know whether our partner is creating dysfunctional environment? Obviously, the answer to that question is not easy to define. But according to a helpful new piece from Psychology Today, there are signs to look out for; particularly when it comes to codependence.

The term “codependence” is something we come across often at inneractions (in fact, we offer group sessions on this very topic). And we always feel that it’s important to spell out what it means when it comes to relationships. In the broadest sense, this behavior leads to one-sided romances. This is where one partner continuously gives up their own wants and needs to please the other. Basically, it’s all give and no take. And for the record, it is very unhealthy.

What Psychology Today writer Shawn M. Burn Ph.D. did in her article was break apart the warning signs into 10 identifiable traits. To help identify whether a codependent relationship pertains to you or someone you care about, we recommended checking off a list from what you read below…

1) Are you quick to say “yes” to your partner without acknowledging your own feelings?

2) Do you often make excuses for your partner’s bad behavior?

3) Are you constantly working to please your partner and make them happy?

4) Are you bailing your partner out when they get into trouble?

5) Do you feel like you lose your sense of identity in your relationship?

6) Do you often feel manipulated by your partner?

7) Do you feel like you don’t get much in return in your relationship?

8) Does it feel like your partner is constantly taking advantage of you?

9) Does the pain your partner feels get put on your shoulders?

10) Is your relationship predicated on conditional and controlling behaviors?

 

Truth be told, these are not easy questions to face when it comes to your relationship. But they are certainly important, especially when it pertains to a person’s happiness and well-being. Dr. Burn summarized codependence quite well in the tail end of her blog, emphasizing that we all have worth do not deserve to be in one-sided romances.

“Your relationship should not be with someone who takes advantage of your love so they can avoid taking responsibility for their own life,” she explained. “[This ultimately]  supports the other’s underachievement, irresponsibility, immaturity or poor mental or physical health.”

So truth be told, codependence not only hurts you, it hurts the one you’re with. To learn more about ways to overcome these types of relationships, please reach out.