Parenting A Grieving Child

 

Grief can take many forms, depending what age you may be. Imagine the tremendous loss you would feel if your spouse passed away. Now imagine what the experience would be like for your child. The truth of the matter is, kids process these feelings much differently than adults and it is important to understand the nuances.

 

Recently, The American Academy of Pediatrics (aka The AAP) published a helpful guide for parents of grieving children. Several scenarios are explored, but the most common pertains to a spouse who may have lost their life. It doesn’t matter if it was sudden or following a gradual illness, the pain will still resonate throughout the household. Ultimately, a tricky balance emerges where the surviving loved one must grieve for themselves and also care give.

 

Though you may not realize it, children tend to have a lot of empathy. Depending on their age, they may shift their concerns toward the surviving parent and the urgency to “take care of their needs.” They may also experience deep anxiety, thinking that whoever’s left may soon pass away as well. In any case, reassurance is critical; as it helps to ease worries about another dramatic event happening in the home.

 

There is also the difficult hurdle of explaining death to a young child. For them, it is a foreign concept and they will often have a hard time making sense of such a loss. The AAP guide singled this out as a common challenge for parents of grieving children.

 

“Especially in these difficult moments, your love and support are very important to your children,” the guide explains. “They learn how to deal with their grief by watching what you do to cope. However, if the task of explaining death feels overwhelming to you right now, you may want to have someone else assist you with the discussion. Adults can help children understand death accurately. This involves more than simply giving them the facts. It means helping them grasp some important new concepts.”

 

It is advised to speak gently, but frankly to children. As easy as it may seem to soften the blow with the hope that a deceased loved one will return, it is important to never pass along misleading information. You can also create artistic or journaling activities to help tell a story and illustrate the changes happening around them.

 

And setting aside time for professional help is highly recommended. As mentioned above, having a proper support system can make a major difference in how you handle this type of scenario. If an issue like this is impacting your family, please do not be afraid to reach out.

 

Grieving Through A Stillborn Birth

 

Miscarriages can create a tremendous amount of grief for expectant parents. But imagine if you were a family who saw a baby to term, only to have it stillborn? The emotions surrounding that experience are hard to fathom, but it happens quite frequently across the U.S. Now though, there are certain tools available to help parents through those immensely painful moments.

 

Washington’s Spokesman Review recently profiled a couple who underwent extreme agony after their daughter was delivered stillborn. Gretchen and Josh Cleveland bravely shared their story with the site and the ways they were eventually able to overcome their intensified grief. One tool that helped them in the immediate aftermath was called a CuddleCot.

 

Though the CuddleCot’s description can bring immediate feelings of depression, it has helped many expectant parents. In actuality, it is a cooling pad that is inserted into any type of baby bed within a hospital. Sadly, stillborn babies tend to decompose rather quickly. The CuddleCot aims to deter that process from immediately occurring. Keeping the baby cool gives families more time with their little one, even allowing them to remain in the room with them for an extended period of time.

 

It is a tough concept to swallow, but one that made a major difference in the lives of the Clevelands.

 

“We’re missing a lifetime, so we were going to spend as much time with her as possible,” Gretchen explained. “Our baby’s grandparents and her big sister got to cuddle her, sing to her and tell her goodbye. All these things made possible because of the CuddleCot.”

 

Of course, there is much more to stillborn grieving process than the hours after the birth. As the Clevelands freely admitted, they soon turned to bereavement groups and found outlets like writing and painting to help ease their pain. They also became CuddleCot advocates, helping to make that experience possible for other families in similar situations.

 

Through their efforts and the kindness of others, local hospitals in their area were able to purchase more CuddleCots and have them readily available for patients. Truth be told, the pads are quite expensive (running $3,000 each). So special fundraisers were set up to ensure families in need had the option of using them.

 

“It’s so important for families to spend time with their babies,” local hospital rep Carolyn Ringo told the site. “Sometimes a mom can be really sick after delivery and not be able to see their child right away. The CuddleCot extends the time a family can spend with their child. It gives them some peace, and that is such a gift.”

 

Holidays Without A Loved One

 

The holidays are certainly a special time. For most, they commemorate annual traditions and family togetherness. But if this happens to be the first year without a loved one due to an untimely passing, then the tone can easily shift towards pain or grief. This is actually a very common occurrence during December and one that begs further conversations.

 

The website Health.com recently touched upon the topic of grief during the holidays, offering solutions and coping mechanisms for people dealing with a difficult month. Truth be told, it doesn’t matter if your loved one passed early in the year or a few weeks back; a Christmas, Hanukkah or New Year’s celebration without them can be just as painful.

 

One thing that Health emphasized was not trying to shut out those memories. Instead, writer Rebeca Soffer mentioned carrying on at least one ongoing tradition that had been handled by the deceased loved one. Whether it’s a “famous recipe,” an after dinner routine or a decoration that symbolizes them. As Soffer put it; this ritual can be very minor, but can serves to overcome a state of grief.

 

“Consider choosing one treasured ritual, like opening gifts in your sister’s preferred order or watching your husband’s favorite holiday film, and give yourself permission for flexibility on the next holiday if your grief is in a different place then,” she wrote. “This kind of selectivity allows you to foster a sense of connection without exhausting yourself physically and mentally, or turning the month into an emotional minefield.”

 

Another way of coping recommended by the site, was finding a charitable outlet to donate time towards. The holidays are, after all, about giving back, so doing good deeds during this season can feel especially poignant. If possible, try volunteering for a cause that was close to your lost loved one. It can actually be very therapeutic to spend time doing something that you know they felt passionate about.

 

One final piece of advice (which we also agree with) is to seek out help when it’s needed. Many people do tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves during the holidays, whether it’s shopping, hosting or what have you. Don’t let added grief push you to a breaking point. Talking to a professional is always a recommended plan of action after someone close passes and our team is just a phone call away.

 

The Marriage Between Grief And Anxiety

We have all heard of the five stages of grief. There is, of course, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And while those certainly play into the way we mourn a lost loved one, it is important to highlight anxiety as well.

The Washington Post did a nice job of bringing this connection to the forefront in a new article that was published this week. In it, writer Claire Bidwell Smith explains that watching someone close to you pass can stir up all kind of stressful emotions. Vulnerability is a major part of the grieving experience, as seeing death firsthand often makes us question our own mortality. If the person who you lost was a peer or a spouse, that can most certainly intensify those feelings.

Bidwell Smith, who also happens to be a professional therapist, delved into many of the symptoms she has seen with clients experiencing sudden loss. Common issues include panic attacks and bursts of rage, all stemming from inner anxiety. She believes that societal norms also play a part in this tense grieving process, as we are often forced to jump back into our regular routines following a loved one’s funeral.

“Our culture is not very adept at making space for grief,” Bidwell Smith writes. “That was true over 20 ago when I was going through it, and is still largely true today. Sheryl Sandberg, the chief operating officer of Facebook, has been particularly vocal in the past few years, following the sudden death of her husband, about the lack of support and acknowledgment for grief in the workplace.”

Those who are in throws of corporate America are well aware of these “norms.” Often times, a bereavement leave is only one to two days; hardly enough time to process difficult feelings. Immediately after a passing, most people are expected to show right back up for work and jump into the daily grind without fully processing their feelings.

From our own experience, as Inneractions grief session leaders, we can tell you that burying upsetting emotions is never the right answer. Sooner or later these anxious thoughts will re-emerge and, often times, in more severe way. We certainly want to make ourselves available to anyone facing a difficult situation and applaud Bidwell Smith for bringing this topic to the front pages of The Post. 

She ends her piece with an important quote from Kübler-Ross...

“You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

Understanding The Grief Journey

Grieving a lost loved one is such a personal process. It has often been said that there is no right or wrong way to deal with death. For some, it’s therapeutic to channel energy into busywork. For others, it could turn to anger. And for many, extended bereavement time is needed for reflection and emotional closure. The important thing, of course, is to acknowledge that this event has happened and not bury difficult emotions.

Forbes recently did a nice job covering the mourning experience in a piece called Grieving Is Complicated. In it, writer Jeanne Croteau outlined common ways people cope with loss and the different methods that can be used to reach acceptance and closure.

“There are many books and articles written about death and, while they may be helpful to some, the reality is that grief is different for everyone,” Croteau writes. “You won’t know how you feel until you go through it and you will quickly realize the the process probably won’t be linear.”

Croteau, herself, openly discussed the recent death of her grandmother and the extreme toll it took on her life. If someone elderly in your life has passed, it can create a wide range of emotions; particularly if you had looked after them at some point. It is not unusual to experience feelings of relief after they go, knowing that the caretaker role has now been relinquished. That can often be accompanied by guilt however, ruminating about more that could have been done.

Croteau experienced those same exact emotions and even underwent fits of rage following the loss of her grandmother.

“After the nurse called to tell me my grandmother was gone, I cried for a little while but that sadness was quickly replaced by something unexpected,” she added. “Over the next few days, I alternated between feeling disbelief and uninhibited rage. The anger had begun in her final weeks but blossomed into a full grown mushroom cloud when she died.”

Croteau’s journey took many twists and turns after that, ultimately leading her to a place of acceptance. Along the way, however, she strongly praised the outside support she received from counselors and trained professionals. She also discussed the benefits of reading, quiet walks and alone time.

Again, mourning is a very individual process; but we believe that Croteau’s words hold true and will always advocate for ongoing support during times of loss.

When Does Grief Become Unhealthy?

Grief is something that all of us must face at some point in our lives. But where are the lines drawn? When does “normal mourning” for a lost loved one turn into depression and unhealthy behavior? Truthfully those lines aren’t always black and white, but a new article from The Cleveland Clinic does a nice job of identifying important warning signs.

The insightful piece does hone in on the devastation a person may feel after a close loved one has passed away. Death (or even a sudden job loss or injury) can lead to drastic changes to a person’s lifestyle. Cleveland Clinic director Amy Greene encourages people to open themselves up to these challenging situations and not rush through the pain.

“We live in a culture that wants to quickly move past grief, as though it were an obstacle,” she explained in the article. “We just want to be ‘over it.’ But the truth is, it’s normal for someone who is grieving to feel off-kilter for a very long time. Adjusting to the new reality takes time and does not follow a totally predictable pattern (in spite of what many people will tell you).”

Greene then points out how people should always assess their feelings and take note of patterns that start to become unhealthy. While the grieving described above is very normal, there are turning points which should not be ignored.

Consistent lack of sleep, for example, can be a sign that grief may be turning into depression. Unhealthy eating and drinking habits are another indicator called out in the article, particularly if they last more than three to four weeks.

A feeling of loneliness can also be a borderline symptom. On the one hand, yes it is very normal to want to grieve in private and withdraw from social circles after a major loss. But when that behavior begins to morph into complete isolation, it may be time to seek out help.

Becoming too sedentary is another warning sign to look out for (per the article). Greene recommends “moving your body” even during the grieving period. Going for walks (alone or with company), getting outdoors and staying active are a good methods to avoid depression.

One other big tool to avoid unhealthy grieving is simply setting aside time for a support group. As Greene accentuated, having camaraderie and listening to people in similar situations is a big part of the healing process.

“I’ve seen how much this can be a reprieve; grievers can see an example of others who have coped and are getting through the toughest parts,” Greene concluded. “It helps many people realize, ‘I’m not alone.’ They see that grief is a human thing we all share.”

Acknowledging Miscarriage Grief

Getting the news that you’re expecting is one of the greatest joys a couple can experience. But for a good portion of pregnant mothers, that elation can turn to devastating sadness when a miscarriage occurs. And truth be told, support is not common in this area (as it may be for a parent or friend who has passed). Sometimes the pregnancy may not even be public news and often times, it is a difficult conversation for loved ones to bring up. BBC News addressed this grief issue quite eloquently in one of their new articles, highlighting the pain and the support that is available.

A miscarriage can occur at anytime throughout the nine months of a pregnancy. And it can be just as emotionally painful early on, as it is closer to the third trimester. Women who have experienced it multiple times have been known to sink into deep depressions and handle any future pregnancies with anxiety and uneasiness. British blogger Anna Whitehouse has gone through five miscarriages and opened up about her pain to the BBC.

“I posted something on my site and just said, ‘I did choose a name too soon,” she explained. “I did decorate a nursery too soon. And there is nothing that can prepare you for that eerie silence on the scan, a silence that you’re just willing, willing to be filled with the rapid sound of a heartbeat.'”

For Whitehouse, writing was the therapeutic approach that helped her heal. As she put it, “opening up the grief” and sharing her experience online allowed others who had gone through similar losses to write back and offer support. And as she correctly pointed out, this is not a common topic that is addressed on sites or in the media. That is something she finds particularly distressing, as many women (and their spouses) may feel like they’re suffering alone.

Whitehouse has now partnered with a charity org called Tommy’s, which is working to add viral support to parents who have experienced miscarriages. They have even created their own hashtag (titled #TogetherForChange) to challenge the stigma of silence around baby loss.

 

“Baby loss isn’t just ‘one of those things’ or a ‘bunch of cells’,” Whitehouse added when discussing the campaign. “And these feelings of guilt and jealousy can be exacerbated and engrained by our daily phone-scrolling through feeds of seemingly perfect [lives]. Tommy’s hope that by challenging the social media taboo and the notion of a ‘perfect pregnancy’, people will come together for support following baby loss and become one voice challenging for medical answers and greater awareness.”

Understanding Caregiver Grief

Usually we associate grief with the death of a loved one. But one area that often gets overlooked is the sadness and depression that can be associated with caregiving. Sure a parent or spouse may physically be here with us, but if they begin struggling with issues like Alzheimer’s Disease or dementia those same feelings of loss can easily arise.

Florida outlet The Coastal Breeze News offered an interesting snapshot into just how difficult roles like this can be (which makes sense, since that state has such a large population of seniors). With a particular focus on dementia, Breeze writer Shirley Woolaway shared stats and tips for people who are watching their loved ones slip away.

The piece also included info from the Family Caregiver Alliance, which highlighted that the loved ones of those struggling with dementia often experience sadness, depression, anger, guilt, sleeplessness and a multitude of other physical ailments.

“It is important to identify our losses, identify our feelings, and let ourselves grieve the changes that have happened in our lives,” an Alliance rep told the site. “If we can do this, our feelings will less often erupt as angry outbursts…instead they can more easily be expressed as a shared loss of something treasured which family and friends can likely sympathize with leading to deeper communication and stronger relationships with those going through the loss with you.”

We all know how devastating a diagnosis like Alzheimer’s or dementia can be. In truth, the family member you once knew may quickly transform into somebody entirely different. The physical being will still be present, but the conversations and personality you remember will ultimately fade away.

The Alliance addressed this issue too. “When caring for someone over time, we may start to grieve that person long before he dies; we grieve the loss of the person’s former self,” the rep concluded. “Experiencing loss on a daily basis can be just as painful as the loss associated with a death. We may ‘wish it were over,’ or think of our loved one as already gone,’ but are assured these feelings are normal. What anticipatory grief does is prepare us for the inevitable, allow us to make end of life plans, and experience the pain in stages. It may or may not lessen one’s grief when the person dies.”

Suggestions for dealing with these feelings include journaling, physical outlets (such as exercising) and attending support groups. The latter happens to be where inneractions can come in and offer assistance. Grief happens to be one of the larger focal points of our outpatient program, with an emphasis on loss and the stresses of letting go of a family member. If this is an issue that you or someone you know is struggling with, contact our offices today.