Lessons Learned From The High Holy Days

  For the record, Inneractions is completely non-denominational and celebrates all faiths. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t glean important insights from special holidays based on particular beliefs. For Judaism, this month of September signifies The High Holy Days including Rosh Hashanah (the “Jewish New Year”) and Yom Kippur (the “Day of Atonement”). For the purposes of this blog, we thought we’d focus on Yom Kippur and the inspiring way it can help people overcome guilt and shame.   The website Chabad.org did a nice job of summarizing the meaning behind this holy occurrence and highlighting its universal appeal. On this one day each year, practitioners are called upon to forgive and release whatever shameful feelings they’ve been carrying over the past 12 months.   Forgiveness is the point that Chabad writer Karen Wolfers-Rapaport zeroes in on, particularly the ability to forgive one’s self. As she puts it, this is one of the most difficult things for a person to do. In fact, it may even be harder than forgiving someone else who may have wronged you in the past.   “I have always found that the act of forgiving that can be quite challenging—in particular, forgiving oneself,” she writes. “If you have suffered due to someone’s action, forgiveness of others can be demanding. But there is something about forgiving yourself that can be fraught with resistance. Self-resentment likes to linger like the scent of aromatic perfume.”   Guilt, of course, is a universal feeling that transcends all religions. And that can quickly escalate into shame and the beginning stages of low self-worth and depression. When we are in this vulnerable phase, we can tend to feel flawed or inferior; even if the guilt being carried relates to a minor issue.   Wolfers-Rapaport touches upon this too in her article, emphasizing the importance of facing these feelings on Yom Kippur and also in our daily lives.   “How do we start the process of self-forgiveness? How do we tap into this Yom Kippur realization?” she adds. “Understanding that we are not defined by your mistakes is a good place to begin. Mistakes are not your identity. Mistakes are something that happens, not something you are.”   As she mentions in the conclusion of her piece, Yom Kippur is ultimately a time for empowerment. In a way, we wish all religions had days such as this (and many certainly do). The important lesson is to always work on forgiving ourselves during periods of shame and guilt. At Inneractions, this an issue we can help resolve and our door is always open if you need help overcoming it.  

A Checklist For Silencing Shame

Shame and guilt are common feelings that we all experience. But there comes a point when, for many, they can become debilitating and lead into issues like addiction, violence, depression or self-harm. There are ways to overcome them, however, with professional support and some day-to-day exercises to remove the negativity.

Psychology Today writer Dr. David Sack emphasized three points, in particular, to help those dealing with consistent shameful emotions…

Point #1: Don’t Hide Your Feelings

The sad truth is, many people suffer in silence when it comes to shame. As Dr. Sack’s article illustrates, there is a constant feeling of unworthiness and a fear that discussing these emotions will expose the “bad person” you are. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, talking openly about can be a major release, as Dr. Brene Brown explained in the article. “The less we talk about shame, the more power it has over our lives,” she explained. “If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees.”

Point #2: Separate Actions From Emotions

Dr. Sack goes on to explain how these shameful feelings are often tied to actions in our lives. If someone makes a mistake, it can lead to an overwhelming feeling of guilt and self-criticism. For people suffering, the common go-to thought is “I’m an idiot” or “this is the last time I’ll try something like that.” It is important to separate your sense of self-worth from any action you take. And that goes for victories too. Treat both praise and condemnation with a sense of perspective and you won’t have to deal with a rollercoaster of emotions.

Point #3: Recognize Your Triggers

We all have certain sensitivities and if something we feel vulnerable about is triggered, it can quickly spiral into guilt and shame. Sometimes it could be about the way you parent, other times it may have to do with your career earnings. If there’s a particularly touchy subject in your life, it is important that you work on it. And it is also important that you recognize it and (if possible) avoid situations where it may come into question. As Dr. Sack writes, “Rather than give in to these triggers, seek to ban them from your life. Embrace who you are rather than struggling to fulfill an outside notion of who you should be.“

Above all, know that there is always support out there for these types of emotions. If it is something consistent that you are struggling with, please reach out and get help.