The Reality Of Survivor’s Guilt

 

This past month, there have been several troubling stories about Survivor’s Guilt and the suicides of those closely impacted by the Sandy Hook and Parkland shootings. Tragically, those who lived through those traumatic incidents wound up taking their own lives during pivotal anniversary dates and remembrances. The truth of the matter is, this is a very real issue and one that deserves to be addressed.

 

Three key figures in those prior tragedies took their lives in March 2019. Jeremy Richman was the father of a Sandy Hook student who was murdered in the 2012 massacre. His suicide was discovered this past Monday. Just a few days prior, Sydney Aiello and an unnamed Parkland student also killed themselves after having survived that 2018 attack.

 

With more incidents like these occurring, it is likely that suicidal tendencies will begin to emerge within the circles around the victims. It is said that these feelings may be even stronger among teenagers, as their coping skills haven’t fully matured.

 

Phyllis Alongi, a former clinical director at the Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide, was interviewed for NBC News, addressing the survivor’s guilt phenomenon and how it can impact young people.

 

“The degree to which survivor’s guilt impacts someone’s life may depend on the level of trauma they were exposed to, as well as any pre-existing vulnerabilities to depression and anxiety they had before the event,” she explained. “The issue with a lot of these teens is their problem solving, perception, and coping skills are still immature and underdeveloped, so they’re already at a disadvantage.”

 

And it is apparent that the survivor’s pain can manifest itself in multiple ways. Addiction is a common occurrence for those who have gone through traumatic incidents. People often turn to drugs and alcohol to “numb pain,” though, in reality, these habits only add fuel to the fire.

 

As more of these stories have gone public, other high-profile survivors have spoken out and offered public support. 37-year-old Zach Cartaya, for example, went through the horrific Columbine shootings in 1999. Since then, he has become an outspoken advocate for survivors’ mental health.

 

Cartaya was quoted for the NBC article as well, explaining how his grief turned to anger and later addiction. Now, he works to connect those in similar situation to outreach centers and suicide prevention resources.

 

“It’s so easy to feel isolated after something like this,” Cartaya told the site. “You don’t have to be alone.”

 

If this sounds like a familiar scenario to you, please reach out and let one of our trained professionals help.

 

Shining A Light On ‘Working Parent Guilt’

  Raising a family in the modern world is no easy task. Unfortunately in today’s day and age, dual incomes are almost always needed to support the expenses of schooling and daycare. And that means that parents are spending more and more time away from their children, which can lead to very real feelings of shame. In fact, Working Parent Guilt is now a common phenomena and one that was recently explored on the Forbes website.   Forbes’ article touched on newly working moms and the emotional struggles they deal with going back to their jobs after an extended maternity leave. In these scenarios, women have been able to significantly bond with their children; only to be ripped away after seven or eight months. Fathers now experience the same thing via paternity leave, which can leave feelings of emptiness and depression when they return to their workplaces.   Interestingly enough, Forbes also highlighted the fact that many of these parents feel guilt about their careers as well. Coming back to their jobs, they often wonder if they are now giving their company their all. There are also fears that senior management may be less likely to promote them because of their new commitments to their family (meaning less commitment to the job).   Forbes writer Mary Beth Ferrante made a point to single out company reps, encouraging them to make the workplace a safe and accommodating place for new parents.   “Some moms feel guilty for not being with their children while others feel as though they aren’t giving work, their all. And many fluctuate between both,” Ferrante wrote. “The best thing any manager can do is promote an empathetic work environment that recognizes that every working parent is different and their goals and needs will also be different. For every mom that wants to scale back their responsibilities, there is another mom who is ready to take on more. Making assumptions about all working mothers is harmful to the progress of all women in the workplace.”   We wholeheartedly agree that every scenario is unique and parents who return from leave should be treated with sensitivity and respect. Nevertheless, the guilty feelings that accompany this transition should most certainly be explored and therapeutically discussed. At Inneractions, we have workshops and group sessions that focus just on this topic. If it’s impacting you or someone you are close to, please do not hesitate to reach out.  

Lessons Learned From The High Holy Days

  For the record, Inneractions is completely non-denominational and celebrates all faiths. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t glean important insights from special holidays based on particular beliefs. For Judaism, this month of September signifies The High Holy Days including Rosh Hashanah (the “Jewish New Year”) and Yom Kippur (the “Day of Atonement”). For the purposes of this blog, we thought we’d focus on Yom Kippur and the inspiring way it can help people overcome guilt and shame.   The website Chabad.org did a nice job of summarizing the meaning behind this holy occurrence and highlighting its universal appeal. On this one day each year, practitioners are called upon to forgive and release whatever shameful feelings they’ve been carrying over the past 12 months.   Forgiveness is the point that Chabad writer Karen Wolfers-Rapaport zeroes in on, particularly the ability to forgive one’s self. As she puts it, this is one of the most difficult things for a person to do. In fact, it may even be harder than forgiving someone else who may have wronged you in the past.   “I have always found that the act of forgiving that can be quite challenging—in particular, forgiving oneself,” she writes. “If you have suffered due to someone’s action, forgiveness of others can be demanding. But there is something about forgiving yourself that can be fraught with resistance. Self-resentment likes to linger like the scent of aromatic perfume.”   Guilt, of course, is a universal feeling that transcends all religions. And that can quickly escalate into shame and the beginning stages of low self-worth and depression. When we are in this vulnerable phase, we can tend to feel flawed or inferior; even if the guilt being carried relates to a minor issue.   Wolfers-Rapaport touches upon this too in her article, emphasizing the importance of facing these feelings on Yom Kippur and also in our daily lives.   “How do we start the process of self-forgiveness? How do we tap into this Yom Kippur realization?” she adds. “Understanding that we are not defined by your mistakes is a good place to begin. Mistakes are not your identity. Mistakes are something that happens, not something you are.”   As she mentions in the conclusion of her piece, Yom Kippur is ultimately a time for empowerment. In a way, we wish all religions had days such as this (and many certainly do). The important lesson is to always work on forgiving ourselves during periods of shame and guilt. At Inneractions, this an issue we can help resolve and our door is always open if you need help overcoming it.  

A Checklist For Silencing Shame

Shame and guilt are common feelings that we all experience. But there comes a point when, for many, they can become debilitating and lead into issues like addiction, violence, depression or self-harm. There are ways to overcome them, however, with professional support and some day-to-day exercises to remove the negativity.

Psychology Today writer Dr. David Sack emphasized three points, in particular, to help those dealing with consistent shameful emotions…

Point #1: Don’t Hide Your Feelings

The sad truth is, many people suffer in silence when it comes to shame. As Dr. Sack’s article illustrates, there is a constant feeling of unworthiness and a fear that discussing these emotions will expose the “bad person” you are. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, talking openly about can be a major release, as Dr. Brene Brown explained in the article. “The less we talk about shame, the more power it has over our lives,” she explained. “If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees.”

Point #2: Separate Actions From Emotions

Dr. Sack goes on to explain how these shameful feelings are often tied to actions in our lives. If someone makes a mistake, it can lead to an overwhelming feeling of guilt and self-criticism. For people suffering, the common go-to thought is “I’m an idiot” or “this is the last time I’ll try something like that.” It is important to separate your sense of self-worth from any action you take. And that goes for victories too. Treat both praise and condemnation with a sense of perspective and you won’t have to deal with a rollercoaster of emotions.

Point #3: Recognize Your Triggers

We all have certain sensitivities and if something we feel vulnerable about is triggered, it can quickly spiral into guilt and shame. Sometimes it could be about the way you parent, other times it may have to do with your career earnings. If there’s a particularly touchy subject in your life, it is important that you work on it. And it is also important that you recognize it and (if possible) avoid situations where it may come into question. As Dr. Sack writes, “Rather than give in to these triggers, seek to ban them from your life. Embrace who you are rather than struggling to fulfill an outside notion of who you should be.“

Above all, know that there is always support out there for these types of emotions. If it is something consistent that you are struggling with, please reach out and get help.