How Religion And Culture Influence Codependency

For the record, we’ve written about codependent relationships many times before on our blog page. And through the research we’ve uncovered, this type of behavior can often be traced back to childhood. If your parents (or role models) exemplified these types of traits, then there’s a good chance you may exhibit them as well. But one other interesting component that doesn’t get touched on very much concerns the roles of culture and religion. For those who were brought up in strict households, these may play a significant factor.

NBC News recently covered this topic, delving into the roots of codependency. At its core definition, this type of relationship involves a “giver” and a “taker” role. It is always imbalanced and can often lead to abuse, emotional turmoil and resentment from both sides. Enablement is another key factor, creating a vicious cycle where the “taker” continues to manipulate and the “giver” continues to be victimized.

For those who have strong religious or cultural backgrounds, the need to stay in an unhealthy relationship may be heightened. Devout communities often preach against divorce or (in the worst case scenario) turn a blind eye to abuse because the male figure is put on a higher pedestal. Dr. Shawn Meghan Burn discussed this scenario on the NBC site, emphasizing that this behavior is more common than most people think.

“When you’re codependent, you can over-internalize religious or cultural values that prescribe self-sacrifice for others,” she explained. “Being the giver in a codependent relationship can also satisfy needs such as the need to matter to someone, the need to feel competent, the need to feel close to someone. As far as takers go, they are sometimes selfish and manipulative, irresponsible and entitled. But some are just troubled or addicted or lacking in life skills.”

Indeed, even “takers” may have been brought up to believe that they are culturally dominant. We know, at their core, that various religions and cultural values are meant for good. But certain families and tight-knit communities can take the letter of the law a little too far, misinterpreting certain aspects and even condoning a toxic relationship (perhaps if an arranged marriage is involved).

We understand how difficult it can be to defy teachings and family members who have been close to you your entire life. But if it is leading into an unhappy and potentially abusive relationship, you always have the right to walk away. Having a conversation with a trained counselor is a positive first step and one we highly encourage for anyone caught in this challenging scenario.

Steering Away From Codependency

 

Falling into the rhythm of a codependent relationship is much more common than you think. And one of the biggest challenges that lies therein, is first identifying that there is a problem and second, finding a way out.

 

The website Psych Central did a nice job of bringing some of these issues to the forefront. Article writer Michelle Kunz bravely opened up about her own history of unhealthy relationships. Through her experiences, readers are able to get a real firsthand grasp of the dangers of codependence and why it needs to be addressed.

 

“A codependent will typically go above and beyond what most people will do to help a relationship succeed,” Kunz writes. “Giving far more effort, time, energy, attention, and other resources than their partner does. They often end up feeling angry, resentful, exhausted, lonely, and bitter. And every now and then they will do really desperate things to try to control the outcome.”

 

The truth of the matter is, codependency is damaging on both sides. For the person who’s desperate to stay, there can be control issues, rage and physical violence enacted toward the other partner. For the one who wants to leave, guilt, shame and depression play a significant role, leading to entrapment and unhealthy feelings.

 

As Kunz explained, she had a very hard time letting go of a former boyfriend. Red flags that she signaled out were begging tactics, inconsolable crying, unsafe sex (in the hopes of getting pregnant) and suicidal threats. While she admitted that these ploys did keep her partner around longer than expected, the relationship ended on a very sour note.

 

She also rightfully pointed out that the root of codependent traits often lie in a person’s childhood. Issues of abandonment, for example, can play a huge role in not wanting a partner to leave. Being shamed at a young age also feeds into it. Many people who have low self-worth fear losing their mate will leave them perpetually alone.

 

Ultimately, it is those early experiences that Kunz advises people to look back upon. Through counseling and inner exploration, relationship healing can start to take shape.

 

“Find the child within and pay attention,” she concludes. “Give him or her what he or she wanted so badly when he or she was actually little. Take off the mask and cape you’ve been wearing trying to save a relationship and tend to your inner child. Isn’t it time that someone finally loves him or her?”

 

The Signs Of ‘Codependency Anorexia’

Professionals and bloggers on relationships sites have recently coined a new term when it comes to unhealthy romances: Codependency Anorexia. Now this has nothing to do with an eating disorder per se, but it does relate to those who “starve themselves of love” and give in to a narcissistic partner.

As presented in the popular new book The Codependent Narcissist Trap by Ross Rosenberg, this type of emotional anorexia can severely impact a person’s ability to maintain healthy relationships…even if they decide to leave a codependent partner.

“Codependency anorexia occurs when a codependent surrenders to their lifelong relationship pattern with destructive pathological narcissists,” Rosenberg writes. “The codependent often transitions to this when they hit bottom and can no longer bear the pain meted out by their narcissist. Paradoxically, as it occurs during a moment of clarity, the codependent comes to realize they are powerless over their attraction to lovers who feel right in the beginning, but shortly thereafter hurt them. To protect themselves from the long line of soulmates who unexpectedly become cellmates, the codependent flips their vulnerability switch to off. This results in a complete shutdown of all emotional, relational, and sexual machinery.”

The passage goes on to describe how this type of behavior can create serious damage, both emotionally and sexually. Starving yourself of intimacy (and a primal human condition) can easily escalate into other issues, such as depression and addiction. It can also create isolation, as the sufferer may become so afraid of being hurt again that they withdraw from family and friends.

There is also serious concern if a person dealing with codependency anorexia is a parent. Limiting yourself from affection and trust can be extremely damaging to a child. Another side effect, per Rosenberg, concerns a mom or dad who begins looking to their children for emotional compensation. In this scenario, young offspring are exposed to adult issues and “enmeshment,” which has shown to be harmful for psychological development.

The site Psych Central did a nice job outlining next steps if you or someone you care about is experiencing this. They equate codependency anorexia to having similarities to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (aka PTSD) and believe it should be treated as such. They also recommend forcing yourself to participate in more group activities, staying away from online dating sites and reaching out therapists and treatment centers for support.

A History Lesson On Codependency

If you’ve been following our blogs, then you’ve heard us discuss codependency before. The classic thought around it concerns unhealthy relationships, where partners bring each other down and create toxicity. But in an interesting new article on Psych Central, writer Carol Weis takes the exploration a little further; with an examination of the term itself and the inward emotions that surround it.

First, we thought it would be helpful to break out Weis’ analysis on the “history of codependency.” The word itself can be traced back to German psychiatrist Dr. Karen Horney, who lived in the late 1800’s. Her initial diagnosis focused on the female gender and saw the condition as a self-critical persona that develops from the anxiety formed by yearning to become our true selves. The central theme of her findings was focused on low self-worth.

Weis happens to agree with that diagnosis and emphasized that codependence is not about the relationships that you have with others. In her opinion, it’s about the relationship that you have with yourself.

“Most people think of codependency as being in a relationship with a addicted partner,” she wrote. “What I ultimately discovered is that codependency is much more. It is about the relationship you have with yourself. Codependency is a set of characteristics and patterns of behavior we develop to help us cope, typically from a childhood that revolved around (but was not limited to) addiction, emotional instability and trauma and physical or mental illness.”

In an honest confessional, Weis revealed that she too suffered from this condition. She also opened up about her previous addiction struggles and how they fed in to the recurring theme of “low self-worth.”

Weis’ article also used modern research to emphasize these points. Codependency expert Darlene Lancer was featured as well and explained that childhood shame and trauma play a big part in people drawn to codependent partners. People with these issues develop reactionary personalities, which leads to a yearning to find relationships with dramatic ups-and-downs.

Weis openly admitted that those characteristics defined her personality early in life. As she pointed out, addressing her earlier traumas and her addiction proved to be the turning point in escaping codependency.

“Before getting sober, I searched for someone who would make me whole,” she wrote. “I fell in and out of love many times, and eventually married a man I thought would fill the void I was feeling. He was a friend of my cousin’s and liked drinking as much as I did, and we bonded over our shared history and emotional neediness. I saw him as the nurturer I missed out on in my early years. I sat on his lap like a child curls up on a parent’s lap. I even called him daddy. We put the focus on each other instead of ourselves and were soon joined in a deeply rooted, vastly harmful dance of codependency.”

The 10 Signs Of Codependence

What defines a “healthy relationship” and how are we supposed to know whether our partner is creating dysfunctional environment? Obviously, the answer to that question is not easy to define. But according to a helpful new piece from Psychology Today, there are signs to look out for; particularly when it comes to codependence.

The term “codependence” is something we come across often at inneractions (in fact, we offer group sessions on this very topic). And we always feel that it’s important to spell out what it means when it comes to relationships. In the broadest sense, this behavior leads to one-sided romances. This is where one partner continuously gives up their own wants and needs to please the other. Basically, it’s all give and no take. And for the record, it is very unhealthy.

What Psychology Today writer Shawn M. Burn Ph.D. did in her article was break apart the warning signs into 10 identifiable traits. To help identify whether a codependent relationship pertains to you or someone you care about, we recommended checking off a list from what you read below…

1) Are you quick to say “yes” to your partner without acknowledging your own feelings?

2) Do you often make excuses for your partner’s bad behavior?

3) Are you constantly working to please your partner and make them happy?

4) Are you bailing your partner out when they get into trouble?

5) Do you feel like you lose your sense of identity in your relationship?

6) Do you often feel manipulated by your partner?

7) Do you feel like you don’t get much in return in your relationship?

8) Does it feel like your partner is constantly taking advantage of you?

9) Does the pain your partner feels get put on your shoulders?

10) Is your relationship predicated on conditional and controlling behaviors?

 

Truth be told, these are not easy questions to face when it comes to your relationship. But they are certainly important, especially when it pertains to a person’s happiness and well-being. Dr. Burn summarized codependence quite well in the tail end of her blog, emphasizing that we all have worth do not deserve to be in one-sided romances.

“Your relationship should not be with someone who takes advantage of your love so they can avoid taking responsibility for their own life,” she explained. “[This ultimately]  supports the other’s underachievement, irresponsibility, immaturity or poor mental or physical health.”

So truth be told, codependence not only hurts you, it hurts the one you’re with. To learn more about ways to overcome these types of relationships, please reach out.