How Religion And Culture Influence Codependency

For the record, we’ve written about codependent relationships many times before on our blog page. And through the research we’ve uncovered, this type of behavior can often be traced back to childhood. If your parents (or role models) exemplified these types of traits, then there’s a good chance you may exhibit them as well. But one other interesting component that doesn’t get touched on very much concerns the roles of culture and religion. For those who were brought up in strict households, these may play a significant factor.

NBC News recently covered this topic, delving into the roots of codependency. At its core definition, this type of relationship involves a “giver” and a “taker” role. It is always imbalanced and can often lead to abuse, emotional turmoil and resentment from both sides. Enablement is another key factor, creating a vicious cycle where the “taker” continues to manipulate and the “giver” continues to be victimized.

For those who have strong religious or cultural backgrounds, the need to stay in an unhealthy relationship may be heightened. Devout communities often preach against divorce or (in the worst case scenario) turn a blind eye to abuse because the male figure is put on a higher pedestal. Dr. Shawn Meghan Burn discussed this scenario on the NBC site, emphasizing that this behavior is more common than most people think.

“When you’re codependent, you can over-internalize religious or cultural values that prescribe self-sacrifice for others,” she explained. “Being the giver in a codependent relationship can also satisfy needs such as the need to matter to someone, the need to feel competent, the need to feel close to someone. As far as takers go, they are sometimes selfish and manipulative, irresponsible and entitled. But some are just troubled or addicted or lacking in life skills.”

Indeed, even “takers” may have been brought up to believe that they are culturally dominant. We know, at their core, that various religions and cultural values are meant for good. But certain families and tight-knit communities can take the letter of the law a little too far, misinterpreting certain aspects and even condoning a toxic relationship (perhaps if an arranged marriage is involved).

We understand how difficult it can be to defy teachings and family members who have been close to you your entire life. But if it is leading into an unhappy and potentially abusive relationship, you always have the right to walk away. Having a conversation with a trained counselor is a positive first step and one we highly encourage for anyone caught in this challenging scenario.

Lessons Learned From The High Holy Days

  For the record, Inneractions is completely non-denominational and celebrates all faiths. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t glean important insights from special holidays based on particular beliefs. For Judaism, this month of September signifies The High Holy Days including Rosh Hashanah (the “Jewish New Year”) and Yom Kippur (the “Day of Atonement”). For the purposes of this blog, we thought we’d focus on Yom Kippur and the inspiring way it can help people overcome guilt and shame.   The website Chabad.org did a nice job of summarizing the meaning behind this holy occurrence and highlighting its universal appeal. On this one day each year, practitioners are called upon to forgive and release whatever shameful feelings they’ve been carrying over the past 12 months.   Forgiveness is the point that Chabad writer Karen Wolfers-Rapaport zeroes in on, particularly the ability to forgive one’s self. As she puts it, this is one of the most difficult things for a person to do. In fact, it may even be harder than forgiving someone else who may have wronged you in the past.   “I have always found that the act of forgiving that can be quite challenging—in particular, forgiving oneself,” she writes. “If you have suffered due to someone’s action, forgiveness of others can be demanding. But there is something about forgiving yourself that can be fraught with resistance. Self-resentment likes to linger like the scent of aromatic perfume.”   Guilt, of course, is a universal feeling that transcends all religions. And that can quickly escalate into shame and the beginning stages of low self-worth and depression. When we are in this vulnerable phase, we can tend to feel flawed or inferior; even if the guilt being carried relates to a minor issue.   Wolfers-Rapaport touches upon this too in her article, emphasizing the importance of facing these feelings on Yom Kippur and also in our daily lives.   “How do we start the process of self-forgiveness? How do we tap into this Yom Kippur realization?” she adds. “Understanding that we are not defined by your mistakes is a good place to begin. Mistakes are not your identity. Mistakes are something that happens, not something you are.”   As she mentions in the conclusion of her piece, Yom Kippur is ultimately a time for empowerment. In a way, we wish all religions had days such as this (and many certainly do). The important lesson is to always work on forgiving ourselves during periods of shame and guilt. At Inneractions, this an issue we can help resolve and our door is always open if you need help overcoming it.