Steering Away From Codependency

 

Falling into the rhythm of a codependent relationship is much more common than you think. And one of the biggest challenges that lies therein, is first identifying that there is a problem and second, finding a way out.

 

The website Psych Central did a nice job of bringing some of these issues to the forefront. Article writer Michelle Kunz bravely opened up about her own history of unhealthy relationships. Through her experiences, readers are able to get a real firsthand grasp of the dangers of codependence and why it needs to be addressed.

 

“A codependent will typically go above and beyond what most people will do to help a relationship succeed,” Kunz writes. “Giving far more effort, time, energy, attention, and other resources than their partner does. They often end up feeling angry, resentful, exhausted, lonely, and bitter. And every now and then they will do really desperate things to try to control the outcome.”

 

The truth of the matter is, codependency is damaging on both sides. For the person who’s desperate to stay, there can be control issues, rage and physical violence enacted toward the other partner. For the one who wants to leave, guilt, shame and depression play a significant role, leading to entrapment and unhealthy feelings.

 

As Kunz explained, she had a very hard time letting go of a former boyfriend. Red flags that she signaled out were begging tactics, inconsolable crying, unsafe sex (in the hopes of getting pregnant) and suicidal threats. While she admitted that these ploys did keep her partner around longer than expected, the relationship ended on a very sour note.

 

She also rightfully pointed out that the root of codependent traits often lie in a person’s childhood. Issues of abandonment, for example, can play a huge role in not wanting a partner to leave. Being shamed at a young age also feeds into it. Many people who have low self-worth fear losing their mate will leave them perpetually alone.

 

Ultimately, it is those early experiences that Kunz advises people to look back upon. Through counseling and inner exploration, relationship healing can start to take shape.

 

“Find the child within and pay attention,” she concludes. “Give him or her what he or she wanted so badly when he or she was actually little. Take off the mask and cape you’ve been wearing trying to save a relationship and tend to your inner child. Isn’t it time that someone finally loves him or her?”

 

A History Lesson On Codependency

If you’ve been following our blogs, then you’ve heard us discuss codependency before. The classic thought around it concerns unhealthy relationships, where partners bring each other down and create toxicity. But in an interesting new article on Psych Central, writer Carol Weis takes the exploration a little further; with an examination of the term itself and the inward emotions that surround it.

First, we thought it would be helpful to break out Weis’ analysis on the “history of codependency.” The word itself can be traced back to German psychiatrist Dr. Karen Horney, who lived in the late 1800’s. Her initial diagnosis focused on the female gender and saw the condition as a self-critical persona that develops from the anxiety formed by yearning to become our true selves. The central theme of her findings was focused on low self-worth.

Weis happens to agree with that diagnosis and emphasized that codependence is not about the relationships that you have with others. In her opinion, it’s about the relationship that you have with yourself.

“Most people think of codependency as being in a relationship with a addicted partner,” she wrote. “What I ultimately discovered is that codependency is much more. It is about the relationship you have with yourself. Codependency is a set of characteristics and patterns of behavior we develop to help us cope, typically from a childhood that revolved around (but was not limited to) addiction, emotional instability and trauma and physical or mental illness.”

In an honest confessional, Weis revealed that she too suffered from this condition. She also opened up about her previous addiction struggles and how they fed in to the recurring theme of “low self-worth.”

Weis’ article also used modern research to emphasize these points. Codependency expert Darlene Lancer was featured as well and explained that childhood shame and trauma play a big part in people drawn to codependent partners. People with these issues develop reactionary personalities, which leads to a yearning to find relationships with dramatic ups-and-downs.

Weis openly admitted that those characteristics defined her personality early in life. As she pointed out, addressing her earlier traumas and her addiction proved to be the turning point in escaping codependency.

“Before getting sober, I searched for someone who would make me whole,” she wrote. “I fell in and out of love many times, and eventually married a man I thought would fill the void I was feeling. He was a friend of my cousin’s and liked drinking as much as I did, and we bonded over our shared history and emotional neediness. I saw him as the nurturer I missed out on in my early years. I sat on his lap like a child curls up on a parent’s lap. I even called him daddy. We put the focus on each other instead of ourselves and were soon joined in a deeply rooted, vastly harmful dance of codependency.”