Dealing With Sudden Loss

Amid the tragedies devastating California, an important topic comes to mind. It is not one that is easy to discuss, but nevertheless important; particularly if it is happening to you or someone you are close to. We are talking about Sudden Grief; as in the unexpected loss of a loved one and the extreme reactions that tend to follow.

Two cases that come to mind are the tragic Borderline shooting in Thousand Oaks and the Woolsey Fire that has been wreaking havoc in Malibu. In both instances multiple lives were lost, creating a ripple grief effect for thousands of Californians.

CNN covered this topic not too long ago (sadly because of the increase of mass shootings), pointing out that the loved ones of murder or accident victims tend to have suicidal thoughts themselves. Self-destructiveness is another common trait, which can lead to drug or alcohol abuse in the wake of a tragedy.

The key here, especially when a close person dies in a violent way, is acknowledging the trauma that tends to accompany the grief. That, in itself, creates an entirely different mourning process than you would experience if it was a slower, expected death.

“The people who go through this, they’re not just dealing with loss. They’re also dealing with personal traumatization,” clinical psychologist Therese Rando told the site. “It affects the ability to get on with grief and mourning, to bend your mind around what has transpired. There is no warning, no time to prepare and gradually start to take on the notion.”
The typical “five stages of grief” (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) also get thrown out of the window in these situations, replaced by emotions like shock and anxiety. Coping with these feelings is no easy task and professional support is always recommended during these difficult times.
Interestingly enough, destinations like message boards and Reddit have become helpful coping mechanisms during times of sudden loss. Working as support groups do (which we also recommend), these types of outlets allow you get in touch with others who may have gone through similar experiences. Back when 9/11 occurred, for example, entire Facebook Groups were created as a destination for loved ones of those lost to unite.
We at Inneractions are also readily available if you’re having a tough time coping with these recent California events. As CNN’s piece emphasized, the important thing to acknowledge is that you’re not alone and things can be better.

The Marriage Between Grief And Anxiety

We have all heard of the five stages of grief. There is, of course, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And while those certainly play into the way we mourn a lost loved one, it is important to highlight anxiety as well.

The Washington Post did a nice job of bringing this connection to the forefront in a new article that was published this week. In it, writer Claire Bidwell Smith explains that watching someone close to you pass can stir up all kind of stressful emotions. Vulnerability is a major part of the grieving experience, as seeing death firsthand often makes us question our own mortality. If the person who you lost was a peer or a spouse, that can most certainly intensify those feelings.

Bidwell Smith, who also happens to be a professional therapist, delved into many of the symptoms she has seen with clients experiencing sudden loss. Common issues include panic attacks and bursts of rage, all stemming from inner anxiety. She believes that societal norms also play a part in this tense grieving process, as we are often forced to jump back into our regular routines following a loved one’s funeral.

“Our culture is not very adept at making space for grief,” Bidwell Smith writes. “That was true over 20 ago when I was going through it, and is still largely true today. Sheryl Sandberg, the chief operating officer of Facebook, has been particularly vocal in the past few years, following the sudden death of her husband, about the lack of support and acknowledgment for grief in the workplace.”

Those who are in throws of corporate America are well aware of these “norms.” Often times, a bereavement leave is only one to two days; hardly enough time to process difficult feelings. Immediately after a passing, most people are expected to show right back up for work and jump into the daily grind without fully processing their feelings.

From our own experience, as Inneractions grief session leaders, we can tell you that burying upsetting emotions is never the right answer. Sooner or later these anxious thoughts will re-emerge and, often times, in more severe way. We certainly want to make ourselves available to anyone facing a difficult situation and applaud Bidwell Smith for bringing this topic to the front pages of The Post. 

She ends her piece with an important quote from Kübler-Ross...

“You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”

Understanding The Grief Journey

Grieving a lost loved one is such a personal process. It has often been said that there is no right or wrong way to deal with death. For some, it’s therapeutic to channel energy into busywork. For others, it could turn to anger. And for many, extended bereavement time is needed for reflection and emotional closure. The important thing, of course, is to acknowledge that this event has happened and not bury difficult emotions.

Forbes recently did a nice job covering the mourning experience in a piece called Grieving Is Complicated. In it, writer Jeanne Croteau outlined common ways people cope with loss and the different methods that can be used to reach acceptance and closure.

“There are many books and articles written about death and, while they may be helpful to some, the reality is that grief is different for everyone,” Croteau writes. “You won’t know how you feel until you go through it and you will quickly realize the the process probably won’t be linear.”

Croteau, herself, openly discussed the recent death of her grandmother and the extreme toll it took on her life. If someone elderly in your life has passed, it can create a wide range of emotions; particularly if you had looked after them at some point. It is not unusual to experience feelings of relief after they go, knowing that the caretaker role has now been relinquished. That can often be accompanied by guilt however, ruminating about more that could have been done.

Croteau experienced those same exact emotions and even underwent fits of rage following the loss of her grandmother.

“After the nurse called to tell me my grandmother was gone, I cried for a little while but that sadness was quickly replaced by something unexpected,” she added. “Over the next few days, I alternated between feeling disbelief and uninhibited rage. The anger had begun in her final weeks but blossomed into a full grown mushroom cloud when she died.”

Croteau’s journey took many twists and turns after that, ultimately leading her to a place of acceptance. Along the way, however, she strongly praised the outside support she received from counselors and trained professionals. She also discussed the benefits of reading, quiet walks and alone time.

Again, mourning is a very individual process; but we believe that Croteau’s words hold true and will always advocate for ongoing support during times of loss.

Acknowledging Miscarriage Grief

Getting the news that you’re expecting is one of the greatest joys a couple can experience. But for a good portion of pregnant mothers, that elation can turn to devastating sadness when a miscarriage occurs. And truth be told, support is not common in this area (as it may be for a parent or friend who has passed). Sometimes the pregnancy may not even be public news and often times, it is a difficult conversation for loved ones to bring up. BBC News addressed this grief issue quite eloquently in one of their new articles, highlighting the pain and the support that is available.

A miscarriage can occur at anytime throughout the nine months of a pregnancy. And it can be just as emotionally painful early on, as it is closer to the third trimester. Women who have experienced it multiple times have been known to sink into deep depressions and handle any future pregnancies with anxiety and uneasiness. British blogger Anna Whitehouse has gone through five miscarriages and opened up about her pain to the BBC.

“I posted something on my site and just said, ‘I did choose a name too soon,” she explained. “I did decorate a nursery too soon. And there is nothing that can prepare you for that eerie silence on the scan, a silence that you’re just willing, willing to be filled with the rapid sound of a heartbeat.'”

For Whitehouse, writing was the therapeutic approach that helped her heal. As she put it, “opening up the grief” and sharing her experience online allowed others who had gone through similar losses to write back and offer support. And as she correctly pointed out, this is not a common topic that is addressed on sites or in the media. That is something she finds particularly distressing, as many women (and their spouses) may feel like they’re suffering alone.

Whitehouse has now partnered with a charity org called Tommy’s, which is working to add viral support to parents who have experienced miscarriages. They have even created their own hashtag (titled #TogetherForChange) to challenge the stigma of silence around baby loss.

 

“Baby loss isn’t just ‘one of those things’ or a ‘bunch of cells’,” Whitehouse added when discussing the campaign. “And these feelings of guilt and jealousy can be exacerbated and engrained by our daily phone-scrolling through feeds of seemingly perfect [lives]. Tommy’s hope that by challenging the social media taboo and the notion of a ‘perfect pregnancy’, people will come together for support following baby loss and become one voice challenging for medical answers and greater awareness.”

Understanding Caregiver Grief

Usually we associate grief with the death of a loved one. But one area that often gets overlooked is the sadness and depression that can be associated with caregiving. Sure a parent or spouse may physically be here with us, but if they begin struggling with issues like Alzheimer’s Disease or dementia those same feelings of loss can easily arise.

Florida outlet The Coastal Breeze News offered an interesting snapshot into just how difficult roles like this can be (which makes sense, since that state has such a large population of seniors). With a particular focus on dementia, Breeze writer Shirley Woolaway shared stats and tips for people who are watching their loved ones slip away.

The piece also included info from the Family Caregiver Alliance, which highlighted that the loved ones of those struggling with dementia often experience sadness, depression, anger, guilt, sleeplessness and a multitude of other physical ailments.

“It is important to identify our losses, identify our feelings, and let ourselves grieve the changes that have happened in our lives,” an Alliance rep told the site. “If we can do this, our feelings will less often erupt as angry outbursts…instead they can more easily be expressed as a shared loss of something treasured which family and friends can likely sympathize with leading to deeper communication and stronger relationships with those going through the loss with you.”

We all know how devastating a diagnosis like Alzheimer’s or dementia can be. In truth, the family member you once knew may quickly transform into somebody entirely different. The physical being will still be present, but the conversations and personality you remember will ultimately fade away.

The Alliance addressed this issue too. “When caring for someone over time, we may start to grieve that person long before he dies; we grieve the loss of the person’s former self,” the rep concluded. “Experiencing loss on a daily basis can be just as painful as the loss associated with a death. We may ‘wish it were over,’ or think of our loved one as already gone,’ but are assured these feelings are normal. What anticipatory grief does is prepare us for the inevitable, allow us to make end of life plans, and experience the pain in stages. It may or may not lessen one’s grief when the person dies.”

Suggestions for dealing with these feelings include journaling, physical outlets (such as exercising) and attending support groups. The latter happens to be where inneractions can come in and offer assistance. Grief happens to be one of the larger focal points of our outpatient program, with an emphasis on loss and the stresses of letting go of a family member. If this is an issue that you or someone you know is struggling with, contact our offices today.